April 2010

Reduce Your Stress, Focus on Priorities: Learn the Art of Saying “No”

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been three months since I returned from my one–month sabbatical to Italy. The new year has certainly started with a bang!

My boyfriend proposed to me on New Year’s Day (we’re getting married this summer). I caught a serious head cold that lasted a month after I returned from my trip. My fiancé had back surgery in January and has just now gone back for his first couple weeks of work. And, of course, we had the record–breaking blizzards in the middle of it all.

It’s truly taken a quarter of a year for me to feel like life is coming back to normal again. But even amidst all of the excitement and challenges, I have tried to bring a little bit of “la dolce far niente” back with me. Italians have mastered this art—the art of the “sweet do nothing.” Their days move by with great attention to the beauty and pleasure found in nature, fellowship, and good food and wine.

A man savors la dolce far niente with his dog in Lucca, Italy.

Back here in America, it’s much easier to get caught up in all the “busy-ness” and let what should be renewing priorities take a back seat. But I’ve tried to hold strong and make a commitment to myself to say a dirty little word a little more often—no!

If you’re anything like me, you don’t like to let people down. But saying “no” doesn’t mean disappointing people. It means affirming the importance of your true priorities. This goes for organizations as well. If everything is a priority, there can be no real focus, no real strategy. Everything will be done with a rushed or half–assed effort.

“The crime which bankrupts men and nations is that of turning aside from one’s main purpose to serve a job here and there,” said philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson. When I started my business nearly 20 years ago, I served many jobs here and there, saying “yes” to every project that came my way, regardless if it held any interest or satisfaction. I ended up overwhelmed and unfulfilled. Only when I began saying “no” did my life and my business regain its sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Saying “no” effectively starts by defining what’s really important to you, and setting boundaries around your work hours, project deadlines, community commitments and family obligations. Father John Declos was on to something when he said, “God is best obtained through subtraction.”

Put It into Practice:

The “rule of two plus one plus one,” is a great way to say “no” gracefully. It exhibits a confident, but sincere combination of softness and strength. Here’s how it works: Respond to a request with two positive phrases, one negative phrase and one positive phrase.

For instance, let’s say your boss asks you to work late on an evening when you have plans to attend the theater with your family. Using the rule, you might respond by saying, “I recognize that this is an important project, and I know you need it completed for tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to stay late tonight because I have plans I cannot break. I’ll be glad to come in early tomorrow to finish it up.”

Or perhaps you have been asked to join the board of yet another organization, but just don’t have the time. You might respond by saying, “I had a great time at your event tonight, and this is a wonderful cause, but at this point, my other responsibilities would prevent me from giving this organization the time and attention it deserves. Thank you so much, though, for asking.”

The key is to remember to say “no” as if you were saying “no, thank you.” There’s no reason to offer up a slew of excuses or to ramble on about how busy you are. Be confident and concise, and don’t let anyone manipulate you from holding your ground. If you mean “no,” you mean “no.” It doesn’t mean that you’re rejecting another person. It simply means you are turning down a request.

Perform at Your Peak:

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